Mark Twain on Mothers

MOTHER

     "I was always told that I was a sickly and precarious and tiresome and uncertain child,"  Mark Twain informed his biographer Paine, "and lived mainly on allopathic medicines during the first seven years of my life.  I asked my mother about this, in her old age--she was was in her eighty-seventh year--and said: 'I suppose that during all that time you were uneasy about me?' "
     "Yes, the whole time,"  said she.
     "Afraid I wouldn't live?"
     After a reflective pause--ostensibly to think out the facts--"No--afraid you would."

MOTHER-IN-LAW

     Mark Twain taught that there are two types of humor, conscious humor and unconscious humor.  He used the following mother-in-law joke as an example of unconscious humor.
           A man receives a telegram telling him that his mother-in-law is dead and asking, "Shall we embalm, bury, or cremate her?"
           He wired back, "If these fail, try dissection."
"Now the unconscious humor of this,"  Mark Twain explained, "was that he thought they'd try all of the three means suggested, anyway."

MORALS

     Mark Twain often described himself as a "professional moralist."  In a speech in London in June 1899, he told of the turning point in his moral development.  It was one day in his youth when he stole a watermelon out of a farmer's wagon while the farmer was waiting on another customer:  " 'stole' is a harsh term, I withdrew--I retired that watermelon--and I retired with it."  Much to his chagrin, the watermelon turned out to be unripe.
     "The minute I saw it was green I was sorry, and began to reflect--reflection is the beginning of reform. . . .I said to myself  'What ought a boy to do who has stolen a green watermelon?  What would George Washington do, the father of his country, the only American who could not tell a lie?  What would he do?  There is only one right, high, noble thing for any boy to do who has stolen a watermelon of that class; he must make restitution; he must restore that stolen property to its rightful owner.'  I said i would do it when I made that good resolution.  I felt it would be a noble, uplifting obligation.  I rose up spiritually stronger and refreshed.  I carried that watermelon back--what was left of it--and restored it to the farmer, and made him give me a ripe one in its place."

Always do right.  This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.   (from a note to the Young People's Society, 1901)

The Moral Sense teaches us what is right, and how to avoid it--when unpopular.   (from an essay "The United States of Lyncherdom,"  published in 1923)

No brute ever does a cruel thing--that is the monopoly of those with the Moral Sense.   (from "The Mysterious Stranger," published in 1916)

A man should not be without morals;  it is better to have bad morals than none at all.   (from an 1894 notebook)

It is not best that we use our morals week days;  it gets them out of repair for Sundays.  (from an 1898 notebook)

Presidential Children

 In "National Review" (August 27, 2012), Kevin Williamson has written an interesting article about the gender of children born to "born leaders"--boss material--based on the Trivers-Willard hypothesis: an evolutionary biology study that says "high-status animals tend to have more male offspring than female offspring.  The theory holds true across many species, from red deer to mink to Homo sap.  The offspring of rich families are statistically biased in favor of sons--the children of the general population are 51% male and 49% female, but the children of the Forbes billionaire list are 60% male."  Romney has 5 sons, no daugthers;  18 grandchildren (13 boys, 5 girls). When he goes to church at the summer family reunion they make up a third of the congregation.  No wonder he's rich--Hey, mom, what happened to us--oh, forgot, we are rich in the Spirit--and some of us don't believe in evolution anyway--at least I know Dad didn't.
What about our Presidents (I'm taking a leap here equating leadersip and skill in the wielding of power to wealth--the focus of the article--but then I don't know too many rich red deer or mink--although their coats are expensive.  Here are the 20th and 21st century presidents--Biden doesn't know about the 21st century ones--he's still in the 20th century.
Obama  2 girls
W. Bush  2 girls
Clinton 1 girl
HW Bush 4 boys and 2 girls
Reagan 1 boy, 2 girls, 1 adopted son--Michael, the closest to him in political leanings
Carter 3 boys 1 girl
Ford 3 boys and 1 girl  (remember: he was our only non-elected president--appointed to the position by Nixon after Spiro Agnew resigned over kickbacks while gov of MD.
Nixon 2 girls
LBJ  2 girls
JFK 2 boys (1 died before his first birthday) 1 girl
Ike 2 boys (1 died at age 4)
Truman 1 girl
FDR 4 boys 1 girl
Hoover 2 boys
Coolidge 2 boys (Calvin, jr. died at 16)
Harding no children--but was rumored to have an illegitimate daughter--not proven.  He married a divorcee with a young son--no word on whether Harding adopted him.
Wilson 3 girls  (and he was a mysoginist, who tried to prevent the women from getting the right to vote?)
Taft 2 boys
Teddy Roosevelt 4 boys 2 girls  ('favorite' son, youngest was killed in WW1.  Teddy wanted to get his commision from the Spanish-American War back so he could go fight--at age 60--Wilson refused--Teddy died the next year
For those interested in the past 'great' Presidents (the Mount Rushmore ones):
Lincoln 4 boys (three died while quite young, at ages 4,8 18--Robert Todd, his 1st born died in 1926 at age 83)
Jefferson 5 girls 1 stillborn son  (interesting fact--his eldest lived for 64 years, followed by the son, #2 daughter died at 3, third daughter  (Lucy Elizabeth died at 1, then they had another daughter that they also named Lucy Elizabeth.  Martha Jefferson died shortly after and the second Lucy died at age 3--Jefferson must have been a very melancholy man.  The claim tht he fathered children by the slave Sally Hemmings--his wife's half sister--have been disputed by as many credible historians as there are on the other side of the issue--many claim they were fathered by a Jefferson cousin--dates of his visits to Monticello match up with births of Sally's children. And DNA tests tht have been done would implicate any male Jefferson--including the cousin.
Washington no children, adopted Martha's son and and daughter  
So it looks like if Romney wants to be president, he and his wife better get busy and have 2 girls (Obama, WBush, HWBush, Reagan,Nixon, LBJ) --or better theory--we elect presidents who have no concept of money, no wonder we're in such a financial mess (Although Carter and Ford destroy that theory--remember WIN--'Whip inflation now' with Ford and Stagflation with Carter)--they fit the hypothesis mentioned at the beginning, but they sure mishandled the economy.

Mark Twain 56

I'm working on a piece about Saul Alinsky (Rules for Radicals) a hero of both President Obama and Hillary Clinton (in case you thought she was more moderate than him), but I'm having trouble getting it short enough to keep everyone interested.  If not later today, then probably Saturday after I get back from the hospital.  So in the mean time, here's today's Twain:

MUSIC

     Music is a salve for the wounds of the soul, and everyone, no matter how devoid of musical talent, has sometime suffered from a yearning to play an instrument.  Often, the lesser the talent, the greater the yearning.  Mark Twain succumbed to this temptation himself.  "After a long immunity from the dreadful insanity that moves a man to become a musician in defiance of the will of God'" he recalled, "I finally fell a victim to the instrument that they call an accordion."
     He learned to play "Auld Lang Syne" on it.  "After I had been playing 'Lang Syne' about a week, I had the vanity to think I could improve the original melody, and I set about adding some little flourishes and variations to it."  He was soon driven out of his boardinghouse because of the vehement objections of the other  boarders.  He moved to another boardinghouse and was driven out of that one as well.  After moving into his third boardinghouse in a week, the deternined amateur musiciasn once more resumed playing "Auld Lang Syne."
     "The very first time I struck up the variations, a haggard, careworn, cadaverous old man walked into my room and stood beaming upon me a smile of ineffable happiness.  Then he placed his hand upon my head, and looking devoutly aloft, he said with feeling unction, and in a voice trembling with emotion, 'God bless you, young man!  God  bless you!  For you have done that for me which is beyond all praise.  For years I have suffered from an incurable disease, and knowing my doom was sealed and that I must die, I have striven with all my power to resign myself to my fate, but in vain--the love of life was too strong within me.  But heaven bless you, my benefactor! for since I heard you play that tune and those variations, I do not want to live any longer--I am entirely resigned--I am willing to die--in fact, I am anxious to die."

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

NEIGHBORS

Mark Twain had been postponing a social call upon some new neighbors, but one day he saw an opportunity.  "My name is Clemens," he said, bowing politely.  "We ought to have called on you before, and I beg your pardon for intruding now in this informal way, but your house is on fire."

NATURE

Architects cannot teach nature anything.  (from an essay "Memorable Midnight Experience," 1874)

Mark Twain 54

MONEY

     Mark Twain was of two minds about money.  In his life he made a fortune and he lost a fortune, more than once.  He was born in poverty, he was wealthy at the age of fitfty, bankrupt at sixty, and wealthy again at seventy.  His life story was a story of rags to riches, yet there was always a part of him, like Huckleberry Finn, more comfortable in rags.
     Mark Twain gave a name to the materialistic age he lived in:  "TheGilded Age."  He savagely satirized plutocrats in print.  Yet one of his best friends, Henry Rogers, was a millionaire.
     Once when Mark Twain was in Bermuda on a vecation with Rogers, a Bermudan remarked to Twain, "Your friend Rogers is a good fellow. It's a pity his money is tainted."
     "It's twice tainted," said Twain, nodding knowingly.  "Tain't yours, and tain't mine."

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

God was left out of the Constitution but was furnished a front seat on the coins of the country.

The motto ["In God We Trust'] stated a lie.  If this nation has ever trusted in God, that time has gone by; for nearly half a century almost its entire trust has been in the Republican party and the dollar--mainly the dollar.

There was never a nation in the world that put its whole trust in God. . . .I think it would better read, "Within certain judicious limitations we trust in God,"  and if there isn't enough room on the coin for this, why, enlarge the coin.    (from a 1908 speech: "Jumping to Conclusions")

Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute--but they all worship money.    (from an 1898 notebook)

Simple rules for saving money:  To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to contribute to charity, wait and count forty.  To save three-quarters, count sixty.  To save it all, count sixty-five.     (from Following the Equator, 1897)  

Daily Rant for Tuesday, August 21

Heard on the morning talk shows this morning--from the ridiculous to the sublime to the political:

1.  Today is the 25th anniversasry of the release of DIRTY DANCING--great music, interesting story about class and acceptance, filmed in NC.  What's not to like!

2.  Shopping tips  when to shop for what:  Monday--electronics and cars (stores and lots are empty because most people shop for these things on weekends, might see some sales.  Tuesday--Airline tickets, especially after 3 PM--airlines trying to fill seats, good bargains, and gas,  Wednesday--entertainment--theme parks--parks are empty, might find some discounts,  Thursday--Clothes, shops are restocking in preparation for weekend: you get first choice.  Friday--Accessories, see Thursday, Saturday--Books,  Sunday--groceries: Sunday papers carry scads of coupons, and appliances.

3.  The Republican congressman from Kansas skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee.  It  happened last year--why is this a 3 day (or more) story in the press?  Oh yeah, I forgot, he's a Republican and he's running (unapposed) for reelction, and it makes Romney look bad.  I went skinny dipping in the Grand Canyon on my high school trip--does that make me ineligible for the Presidency or even for Congressman from NC? Just as they say the Sea of Galilee is a 'sacred place (really?), isn't the Grand Canyon a sacred place to the Gaea people--the environmentalists who love the earth more than man.

4  Poll:  56% to 40% of respondents say they are NOT better off now than they were 4 years ago.  That includes me--4 years ago I didn't have leukemia--can I blame Obama for my condition, like Obama's people blame Romney for the cancer death of Mrs. Soptic.  It's logical--and I've finally found someone to blame (something else Obama is good at  when it comes to bad news or problems he hasn't been able to fix.)

5.  Study by Liberty Institute ( part of Liberty University) and Family Research Coucil (object of last week's assault) shows that religion (all religion, not just Chritianity) is under assault in THIS COUNTRY.  The news reports tell of two incidents--a cross in the Mojave desert that honors WWI dead (WWI was fought in the 19teens, almost 100 years ago, and the cross has been there forever (this is being attacked by an alliance of Atheists and the ACLU)  Obamacare's Birth Control mandate, in contradiction to the 1st amendment to the Constitution.  I'll add a third:  in clearing the ruins of the World Trade Center, they pulled up two beams in the form of a cross.  They decided to put it in the museum--Atheists object--separation of Church and State, which is NOT in the Constitution.  At the least, they want some acknowledgement that some atheists died in the attacks--but what is their symbol?  The last time they tried this (at a town's Chritmas display when there was also a menorah and some Muslim display, and I think even a Druid display.  What did the atheists put up when allowed? A huge placard attacking all belief in God as dangerous myth, destructive to intelligence and society--great Chritmas spirit (no other display attacked any other religion--just honored their own)

6.  In doing the Twain quotes, the book lists the subjects in alphabetical order.  Immorality and immortality are next to each other:  the only difference in the two words is the "T", the shape of a cross.  Is someone trying to tell us that the cross is the way to escape immorality and come to immortality?  Think about it!

Romney's Income Tax Return

Got up early--preparing for my Barium swallow test and couldn't sleep. no food since last night and the steroids are making me hungry--Wendy's at 10 on the way home.

Okay, lets get this out of the way so that we can talk about the state of the economy, the deficit, the rising debt, and the effects of raising the tax rate from 35-39%

Before 1913--no Presidential candidate had to diclose his income taxes, nor a financial disclosure statement.  The IncomeTax didn't become part of the Constitution until the 16th amendment adopted in 1913.
The first president to disclose his income tax forms was FDR--he, rather his family did, disclosed 25 years worth AFTER FDR had died (that helps a lot!).
Truman did not, Ike did not, JFK did not, LBJ did not, Humphrey did not, Nixon did not.  LBJ, Nixon and McGovern issued detail-less financial disclosure forms.  Then came Watergate--and Congress passed (1978) the Ethics in Government Act, which called for Financial disclosure, but not Income Tax forms (considered a violation of privacy).  However, George Romney, Mitt's father, had in 1968 released 12 years of tax forms with no legal requirement that he do so
The rest that I could find:  Bob Dole--30 years.
Jimmy Carter  1 year
Michael Dukakis  5 years
Gerald Ford, summary, but no details of the previous 10 years.
Ronald Reagan 1 year.
John Kerry 20 years--but no details on his wife Teresa Heinz's wealth--she is the heiress to the Heinz Ketchup fortune, making Kerry one of the wealthiest Senators.
John McCain  2 years--but no details on his wife, Cindy, who, like Theresa Kerry, is the real weathy one in the family.
Obama 12 years (although Media Matters--a left-wing blog--says only 7).
I have no info on the Bushes, father or son.
ONCE AGAIN, THERE IS NO FEDERAL REQUIREMENT TO DISCLOSE ANY TAX FORMS--although Senator Levin of Michigan has a bill before the Senate that would require 10 years worth of not only Presidential candidates (can hardly wait to see Roseanne Barr's--yes, she is running for President) but also members of Congress
Members of Congress are requiredto show only Financial Disclosure forms.  Of the 535 members of Congress only17 have disclosed their tax forms--but not Harry Reid nor Nancy Pelosi.  As far as I know, in the Executive Branch, only the President and vice-President have disclosed theirs (I don't know how many for Joe Biden).  No Cabinet member,or Czar or senior member of staff has.
Romney has issued one, will  release last year's when his accountant is finished with it-he got an extension--and he published his Fiancial Disclosure as required by law

Mark Twain on Watermelon

Hospital visit went well--Barium wasn't pink,and it didn't tasste like strawberry, but it was quite palataable.  Test itself took less than 15 minutes--Drink some Barium, driunk some more (one swallow each time while the tech look at a scope--they decided to do only a partial, so only say the esophagus--not the entry into the stomach.  Aafter the 2 Barium swallows, ate 2 teaspoons of applesauce with barium mixed in, followed by more barium, then a graham cracker with barium on it. Done.  However it took them almost an hour to get the barium from the lab, and get the rest ready--so it wasn't tht short a day.The tech saw no problems, except that seems to be a slight nodule facing away from the esop. that seems to slow the speed of the food heading toward the stomach--but it was at the bottom of the scope, so she didn't know what was actually happening after the food passed the nodule.  She's going to recommend a full Barium swallow (which is what I thought I was supposed to be getting today) for some time in the future--they were primarily interested in seeing if some of the food was going into the lungs instead of the stomach, and she saw none of that--will know more on Wed

WATERMELON

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with the commoner things.  It is chief of this world's luxuries.  king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth.  When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat.  It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know this because she repented.  (from Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894)    

One last thing--Obama's College transcripts (Occidental College, Harvard and Columbia).  Most Presidents DO NOT REVEAL their transcripts--not required.  Those we find out about are displayed in their museums (JFK for one)  JFK, his freshman year, got 3 C's and 1 B.  His sophomore year he got a B in government, 4 C's, and a D in history (this from the man who won the Pulitzer Prize for Profiles in Courage--which was actually written by Ted Sorensen, not JFK)   Al Gore, the leading Guru of Climate change, got a D and a C+ in the two Natural Science courses he took.  George Bush (son) had a 77 average at Harvard (D in Astronomy), Bush's Harvard classmate, John Kerry, who many considered to be so much smarter than Bush, had a 76 average  (In North Carolina that would be a D, but at Harvard it's a C average)  These grades include 68's in 2 history courses, 69 in Political Science.  So our presidents haven't been the brightest lightbulbs in the package.  I guess it doesn't matter if President Obama is or isn't the smartest man to ever be President (JFK thought that Thomas Jefferson was the smartest one--but of course he died before he could behold the brilliance of our current President--who thinks that there are at least 57 states, and pronounces Corpsman ( pronounced 'coreman' a navy rank) as if it were a dead body (corpseman) , including the 's'--three times in one speech.  (can any one spell potatoe (sic)?)